THOUGHTS...

     For 8 years I've struggled with Depression. Most days it's hard to get out of bed. I've attempted suicide, I've developed multiple eating disorders. At times the thought of being out in the world felt so overwhelming that a mundane task like walking to the mailbox is all together unbearable.

    Sometimes I wake up and cry. I cry until I can't remember why I started. Sometimes its starts in the afternoon. My body feels like lead as if I've left my body and only a shell is left behind. At this point, I'm on auto pilot. I watch my life happen, almost from a third party perspective. I become a different person completely, someone I don't like, someone I don't know. I try to 'think happy thoughts', 'count my blessings', 'think of my daughter's laugh', nothing eases this feeling of weight. This lead feeling. This dark cloud I can't escape.

     Eventually this feeling became the norm and not the exception. I went to the doctor who immediately pumped me up with anti-depressants and with a synthetic crutch slowly I got better. The medication made me stable. If I took it regularly, life was good. Without it I couldn't function. I couldn't stand and have a regular conversation without medication. The thought of needing pills in order to maintain my sanity wasn't something I was comfortable with. Slowly I weaned myself off of them. Sporadic crying and uncontrolled extreme mood swings became part of a regular afternoon. For two months I was a complete wreck. I honestly never ever thought I would make it. At a point I felt like life wasn't worth living.

     This is what depression does. It carries you so deep inside yourself you can't get out. You can't see reality, you can't see light. You are literally not yourself. What makes it worse is that it's hard to talk about. You express to someone you're struggling with depression and they tell you 'don't stress, go for a walk, think happy thoughts, take a nap and you'll feel better'. The fact is, it's so much deeper than that. It's not going to ever get better until we all start talking about it. It's far too taboo for black (I say black people because this is what I personally face in my own community) people to talk about depression when so many of us suffer from it. So many of us go through this alone, hiding, pretending, coping.

     We need to openly start and continue the mental illness discussion. Maybe if more people were educated about it, others would feel more comfortable discussing they're own battles. Maybe we need less synthetic chemical cocktails and more support from our communities. Fuck it, we DO need more support from our communities, mental illness needs to be taken way more seriously. 

     Although I've managed to evade taking medication (a long process that requires weekly improvement) everyday is a constant battle. For a long time I couldn't talk about it, and was frankly effing embarrassed. Keita if you're reading, this is my public thank you. I would not be here if it wasn't for you. I never would have found the courage to accept this part of myself it it wasn't for you (and you Four Five I couldn't forget you).

     If one single person reads this and feels just a tiny bit better about what they're going through then I've succeeded. Fuck the hiding, fuck the shame. I give zero fucks about people that aren't about progression. There isn't a damn thing to be ashamed about except hiding what makes you who you are. Depression is shitty. It really is. Lets talk about it and make it less-shitty.

Faaack. Talk about release.

love

-p